VOICEOVER: Ray Shitar and Howard Vegeberger are the majority share holders in an online poker site named “StoleItAll.Com”. Ray and Howard are looking to sell one percent of there company, in return they are asking for one hundred million, million dollars. Will any of the dragons decide to go all-in? Or will Ray and Howard bust out?
Ray Shitar: Hello dragons and lady dragon, today I, Ray Shitar and my colleague Howard Vegeburger have a very special offer for you lucky, lucky people. We..
(Ray looks over at Howard and motions for him to put down the giant baguette his gnawing on, Howard continues totally engrossed in his sarnie)
Ray Shitar: (whispers urgently to Howard) Put it down you fat fuck…we need this…
(Too Dragons)Sorry, I’ve lost my train of thought, ohh yes we have the deal of a life time for you lucky people, 1% of the greatest money making machine ever invented and all we ask for in return is a mere one hundred million, million dollars.
Duncan Bannatyne: Sounds interesting, can you tell me a little bit about the way the online poker business works?
Ray Shitar: (Looks perplexed) Well people give us there money, and we spend it? (Howard violently jabs him in the ribs) ohhh yeah, sorry what I meant to say is our customers deposit money on our site and then play with there own money against other players and we take a small percentage for providing the services required to facilitate online poker games.
Theo Paphitis: Ray, Howard, I’ve been burnt by online businesses in the past, online processing fee’s can be so heavy they can kill a business stone dead, and with a poker room you have the potential for double the fee’s, inbound and outbound, how do you make this venture profitable?
Howard Vegeburger: Well Theo we only have to process inbound as no-one ever withdrawls.
Theo Paphitis: (Stunned) I’m sorry? Your saying no-one ever withdrawals money from your site! How can that be?
Howard Vegeburger: Well Theo, as you’re merely a successful business man and not a superstar poker player with a brain the size of a planet like me, I’ve drawn you a chart to explain what I like to call ‘The FTP Upside Down Pyramid of Poker’*, it’s the perfect system to make money just disappear.
Howard walks across to the flip chart and dramatically unveils the next page(see bottom of page to view a copy of the illustration)
Theo Paphitis: ummm, very nice chart, Can you please walk us through it?
Howard Vegeburger: Very well, players deposit on our site and we squeeze them through each level to ensure that there’s never ever money to return, you can see there are only three exit points for cash in our system, level one the rake, (pointing to graph) this goes to Ray and I and maybe a taster to you guy’s if you invest, as you can see we then take the money off the site and then rub said money on our tities, as illustrated here and here (pointing to crudely drawn pictures of himself and Ray)
Theo Paphitis: Very nice drawing, if this doesn’t work out maybe you could paint for a living.
Howard Vegeburger: Thank you, exit point two is hats and T-shirt manufacturing costs, this feeds back to the chump players at the bottom who we give the merchandise for earning points by paying on our site. We find this makes them feel like there getting something for there money, even if its just some shitty cap they feel a warm fuzzy glow about the brand. Exit point three is Phil Ivey, Phil loses the money in the Bellagio craps game, and we just write this off against our corporate tax bill so we end up not paying any tax.
Deborah Meaden: But surely players can just request to cash out whenever they want?
Ray Shitar: Yeah, you’d think! (Looks across at Howard and they both start giggling)
Deborah Meaden: Sorry? I fail to see what’s so funny?
Ray Shitar: Sorry, sorry honey, it’s so funny to us because we worked very hard to make our, so called “support services” so fricking awful no-one could ever withdrawal! Brilliant idea hey, Lady! It takes two and half years to receive a cheque! So as our customers are retarded degenerates, after a week there cancelling withdrawals and playing rush poker** and all the time there on monkey tilt from dealing with our customer reps!
Peter Jones: This all seems too good to be true, if it’s so easy to make money at the online game, why do you need our capital?
(Ray and Howard look guilty at each other and then down at there shoes)
Ray Shitar: Well, you know, we had a bit of a problem, the Americans sort of threw us out and we didn’t want to give up on all that money, so well, we sort of did a bit of money laundering and then the American government found out, so there pretty pissed with us.
Peter Jones: How much money did you launder?
Ray Shitar: Not sure exactly, Howard’s the financial wizard, how much was it Howie?
(Dragons and Ray all look at Howard, whose gone back to eating his baguette)
Howard Vegeburger: Not sure really to be honest, (screws up his face)ummm, about two or three billion over two years, maybe a little more, maybe less?
Peter Jones: How fucking much! What kind of fucking idiot thinks he can launder two or three billion unnoticed! That’s like the GDP of a small African country, Jesus you’re a fucking pair of idiots, how did you ever think you could get away with it! Shit, I’m out.
Theo Paphitis: I’m out too! (pointing at Howard) I think that fat fuck would eat all the profits anyway.
Deborah Meaden: As a simple minded woman I don’t understand poker and it scares me, So I’m out as well.
Duncan Bannatyne: I’ve watched celebrity poker club on challenge TV, I understand the game and I think you might have something worth investing in. What is the company balance sheet looking like, how much do you owe?
Howard Vegeburger: Well we owe two hundred million to our US player pool.
Duncan Bannatyne: Ok, maybe that’s manageable, anything else?
Ray Shitar: Ohhh, there’s going to be probably another half a billion in fines from the DoJ in the states.
Duncan Bannatyne: Anything else?
Howard Vegeburger: ohh yeah, with also had our licences revoked by our gaming commission, so we will probably be fined by them, and we might have to move the site to another jurisdiction cos we fucked up and put all the money in a big pot that we just dipped in and out of as and when we felt like it, so that might cost a few bob…
Duncan Bannatyne: Is that it?
(Ray and Howard look at each other)
Ray Shitar: Yep I think so, (Checks with Howard whose nodding his head in agreement) yep that’s its, (sudden look of realisation) no hang on there’s the Ivey thing!
Howard Vegeburger: Ohh yeah I forgot about that, yeah Phil’s suing us for like one hundred and fifty million or so, but that’s it, that’s the lot.
Duncan Bannatyne: You sure?
Howard Vegeburger: Yep pretty sure! (Ray nods in agreement)
Duncan Bannatyne: Well your up to your bollocks in debt, you’ve no licence to operate, your brand figurehead is suing you, the American government is suing you, your credibility is shot to fuck and your customer base is unable to play on your site. But you know what, I think you have something, I’ll pay the price if you give me five percent?
Ray and Howard together: Fuck off!
Duncan Bannatyne: How about four percent?
Ray and Howard together: Fuck off!
Duncan Bannatyne: Three?
Ray and Howard start to pack up and leave
Duncan Bannatyne: You’re fucking mad! It’s worth nothing without my money!
Howard Vegeburger: (Stares directly at Duncan) We would rather see all our customers out of pocket, all our staff out of work and this site in burning flames before we took less than a penny less than we think its true value is.
Fade to black
* Patent applied for
** Patent also applied for
1 comments:
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