Totally Made Up True Poker Facts No1

Phil Hellmuth was once so enraged at a dealer after seeing his pocket aces cracked for a big pot, that he climbed on the poker table and pulled out his cock and socked the dealer in the jaw with his member. That dealer later became a junior senator for the state of Illinois and Americas 44th in total and first African American president, Barack Obama.

Online poker phenomenon Johnny Lodden is so popular in his home country of Norway that his image has been used to successfully market anything and everything! In fact the ‘Lodden popsicle’ a lemon flavoured frozen treat is the biggest selling lollipop in the Sørlandet region of the country.

Scotty Ngyuen's older brother played the actor in The Deer hunter who shout's "Di Di Mao" at the American prisoner's.

It’s a little known fact that Umberto Brenes is the dictator of Costa Rica, and he once had a man put to death for not properly respecting one of his raises.

Did you know Ross Boatman keeps a pet dragon locked in his basement and forces it to act as a cheap alternative to a water boiler.

Don’t ever, ever, ever rent out your sole property

Long weekend with Sunday being the wife’s birthday BBQ finds me in poor health this week, I can hardly walk, my knee’s completely fooked. I feel like one of those 12 years old geldings you see running at crappy race tracks like Southwell or Ponterfract, No good for stud and can’t keep up with even these useless plodders anymore… Glue factory next for me.

We are in the middle of a hellish property issue with the tenant of our flat in Essex. She is refusing any access to the property, has changed the locks and has stopped paying her portion of the rent. Notice to vacate passed on Friday and she is refusing to budge. Then yesterday we got a phone call from the letting agency asking for us to send a man around to clear out the chimney as a bird seem’s to have got stuck! The fucking cheek, sorry you fucker our tenancy agreement ended on Friday.

The wife’s been very depressed about it all, we seem to be treated like c*nts by all the agency’s now involved (the homeless agency are particular twats BTW), as if where some big property baron’s bullying this poor tenant, we have spoken to her once in five years and that was a polite two minute conversation to let her know we had decided to sell.

This is our only property, and it’s mortgaged to the hilt and we had to rent it to pay our bills. If we can’t sell, and it looks like our sale will now full through because we are having to get an eviction served (thousands more of our money to solicitors no doubt, after spending 16K to get the lease fixed) and she is refusing access for a survey then we ourselves will be out in the street come January. The letting agency are an absolute joke, if you’re under any perception that these people will assist and protect you then forget about it, that is a complete fallacy, they have been as useful as a cock flavoured lollipop.

Been running horrid in poker but breaking even! It’s very weird had top set over bottom set crushed twice all in on the flop, once by turned quads and the other by runner, runner four high flush! But for some reason I’m nicking enough here and there to make up for losing every big pot I play, so can’t grumble really. Looking to qualify for the Killarney poker festival this week, could use a lads holiday.

Having my cake and eating it

Some fella paid me for a link and an article mentioning his site with some money directly into an account; it’s on the cake network which is like stepping back to 2005 as the standard of play is delightfully poor. I’ve run up to a 2K this week, a 7th place in there nightly 10KG was good for about a ¼ of that and running sick good with some hilarious plays from my opponents. One hand that netted me two hundred dollars sticks in the mind,

President Rejects Moves to Repeal Anti-Gaming laws

Stocks of all the major online gaming concerns fell sharply during after noon trading as a reaction to the news filtering out that the freshly re-elected President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is unlikely to repeal the laws that prevent ordinary citizens taking part in online gaming in Iran.

The largest site Poker Whores have been the worse affected publicly traded operator losing some 30% of there value in a two hour trading period with the downward trend expecting to continue this morning when the global trading markets reopen.

As a further reaction, online poker forums where overwhelmed yesterday afternoon after the story broke with online poker players threatening to give up the game largely due to the fact that the predicted and much anticipated return of ‘The Iranian fish’ was now unlikely to happen anytime soon.

We contacted the chairwoman of the Tehran Women’s Poker Association(TWPA) Mr’s Samrah Begum(name changed to protect her identity) for a local reaction, “This is just a disaster” she proclaimed, “We really thought this was going to happen this time” Samrah continued, “The rules preventing normal Iranians from pursuing there preferred pastime are draconian to say the least, I laugh when I see American players posting complaints on two plus two about the UIGEA because they have had there money confiscated by there government” she said ruefully, “Only last week one of our members had there hands confiscated by our government for playing online poker, lets see you insult someone’s mother in the chat box with no hands after that Yankee infidel”.

Online Poker Shock Revelation

My God! Full tilt have been trying to tell us all along that it’s been rigged! Ohhh the wasted hours! If I’d just bothered to read the key just once!

'Die Glückliche Zeit'

'Die Glückliche Zeit' means happy time in German, it was what the Nazi U-boat crews called the early years of the war when they had the run of the Atlantic and could blow the shite out of allied convoy’s and be left pretty much unmolested.

Later during the war in the Atlantic when the Allies radar, aerial patrols and convoy protection covered pretty much the entire distance of the shipping lanes from here to the US, they would fondly reminisce about 'Die Glückliche Zeit'.

That’s how I feel today as my umpteenth late SNG button shove is called by K9 because he knew he had my range and not because his an idiot, I wonder where ‘Online Poker’s happy times’ went when the majority folded everything but the nuts to shoves.

A friend of mine has recommended looking out for US targeted websites and Playing online poker at places like Betus might help but probable won’t be the complete answer.

There’s also some merit to looking for poker rooms with sports book’s attached, there’s an argument that sports books attract those here to gamble which is what us poker players are looking for, so again they have Online betting at Betus so more reason to look in to there room.

Maybe though the genie is just out of the bottle and there’s so much educational material online that all the once fish have been converted. Personally though I think a lot of the fish have not been bothered to deposit because its so much effort now. So lets all join in wishing Barney Frank all the best in getting the UIGEA repealed as soon as possible, because my bottom lines being killed!

Where's Boydy, The answer...

There you go...

Full Blown Monkey Tilt

Raining beats, I hate these fucking luck sacks,
I’m so far down I can’t see the sun any more,
Screw this, I’m due some luck,
Move up and make the luck count when it comes,

Check raise, slide that bar all the way up,
Fear rises in the pit of my stomach,
This is the game, this is the thrill, this is why we play,
I know it’s a race, it’s always a race,

Let’s see a flop then, make it a good one, one time, just one time!
Bink, he flops his ace, don’t need to calculate the odd’s I know,
Long shot, very long shot, but there’s always runners,
A turned club would be handy, Bink, A club,
Now any club, just any riverd club and the pot's mine,
Bink, missed the lot, thanks a fucking lot.

Reload, fire-up again, this time it’s my turn to win, I’m due,
Big slick, pump it up, re-raised, lovely let’s get it in,
He can’t fold two’s! Bink, sets on the flop, dead on the turn,
Fucking stupid game, reload, reload

King Queen, raise it up, raise it up,
Re-popped, my hands not strong enough, but I’m due,
Jam the fucking lot in, ace king, fuck long way behind,
Queen on the flop, yes I’m due that’s only fair,
Bink, ace on the river, fuck…fuck…

Why must I lose every single race!
Well stop racing all the time you nut sack,
Retorts my inner poker player,
Cheer’s mate, you brake to watch accidents,
And laugh at the disabled do ya?
Reload it’s my turn, I’m due…

The Power of Ten

I’m fucking insane, I really am. I’ve just started a new project with its own blog because I like to keep my silly projects separate from the general crap I write. Anyway 4 session’s now and I’m two buy-ins up! Wow, nearly two dollars, each session is about an hour long so that’s about 50c an hour or 20p!

A big waste of time many would think, but I don’t agree, nothing in life is free and knowledge costs more than most to acquire. When I did my heads-up challenge my edge grew very quickly. When I look back at the graph's for the period, it went 100 game's or so at 5-6% ROI then it just jumped to 20% in the next 50 or so games and stayed there for another 1000 games, the penny just dropped because I was concentrating so hard on just one thing. So to me this is all ground work for my move to dominate the world of ‘Limited Holding Them’ Specialisation FTW.

Been a funny couple of week in politics, I genuinely feel like the election of two BNP MEP’s is one of the lowest ebb’s in our nations recent history. There’s definitely an element of the protest vote going on at the moment following the expenses revelations from Westminster, and it’s not something you can just ignore. But there is clearly something wrong when so many people in Europe’s most diverse society feel isolated and marginalised, I’m naturally a bit of a Liberal but I don’t think we can just disregard this as a bunch of crackpot racists, there’s too many unhappy people.

Decided to stop the online rounder’s script’s, it’s a lonely old life being a blogger so when you put some work into things that don’t quite work out it’s upsetting, without comments us bloggers would just give up so please remember this next time you see something that makes you smile.

It bothers me I never seem to get linked on forums or anything like that, I’ve tried to write some original content and I must assume it’s not up to much I suppose. I get hits from all over the world, last week a bloke from central china followed Google search to an old post of mine called; Pants, Arse, Cock. Wonder what he was looking for, presumable not some bloke from Somerset complaining about his car blowing up. But anyway with the number of hits I get I would have hoped to get more followers by now, I must be crap

Online Rounder’s Script Part 2

Online Rounder’s Part 2

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[Micky Narrating]You don't hear much about guys who take their shot and miss, except for Sbrugby, but that was funny. But I'll tell you what happens to 'em.
They end up humping fucking heavy supplements on a Sunday morning,
trying to figure out how they came up short.
See, I had this picture in my head.
Me sitting at a televised High Stakes Table, Dwan to my left,
Robbel to my right.
And I let that vision blind me at the table against KGB77698_Balla.
Now, the closest I get to the big time is $10 free rolls and watching Degenyamine
And I’m delivering this lousy paper round handed down.
To online rounders who forget the cardinal fuckin' rule...
Always Multi account, and collude, and buy accounts and shit like that

[Micky Narrating] The Newsagents game.
I'd heard about it for years on the street, before I was even in secondary school.
A rotating group of ten or so Newsagents, tobacconists and convenience store managers
They all have money, and in my playing days...
it would have been pretty sweet to have any one of them owing me favors.
Only problem is, no one can get in the game anymore.
One online rounder, Crispy Creme, sat under some pretence,
but they found out he was an online-pro, probable because he kept saying LOL and PW’Ned out loud and calling everyone a beyatch with a fat mumma. When they found out they stopped his subscriptions to poker player and WPT magazine, he cried for a week.

Newsagent 1(Abe): Oh, Micky.
- You got some left over supplements for me? –
Micky: Yes, I do.
Newsagent 1(Abe): Put 'em on the counter, it's all right.
Newsagent 2(Gene): Kid, he paying you for this late night shit?
Micky: No….These bastard Sunday papers are so heavy, I actually started delivering them at 6am this morning. Oh, well, knowledge is my reward [holding up a copy of the Sunday sport] and he also lets me have a few back issues of Asian babes now and again sir.
Newsagent 2(Gene): [Chuckles] - Let me tell you, it ain't worth it.
Newsagent 1(Abe): - All right. I call. - Micky is delivering those DFS inserts for you next week... Gene.
Besides, he could use the background if he's gonna...
Deliver for one of you fellas during the summer holidays, right?

[Micky Narrating] The amazing thing is, in this collection of great local convenience shopping minds, there isn't a single real card player.

Newsagent 3: I call.

Newsagent 4: Raise

Micky: Um, where going to raise-it-up
Newsagent 1(Abe): Micky? [Whispers] Michael, I would have just called.
Micky: No, you're good.
Newsagent 5: All right, I call.
[Mike Narrating] I don't know if I'm going to bring my career in media service delivery to a crashing halt...
before it even starts, but I just can't help myself.
Newsagent 3: - Good. - I'm in.
Newsagent 4: - [Clears Throat] - Read 'em and weep. Threes check.
Newsagent 2(Gene): Check to Martin and Lewis over there.
Newsagent 5: - Check to the raiser.
Newsagent 6: Czechoslovakia.
Micky: What's the limit?
Newsagent 1(Abe): Big bet's 10p.
Micky: Okay. Good. There's 10p.
Newsagent 4: You've seen half a hand. How the fuck are you betting into us?
Newsagent 2(Gene): You sure this is wise, Abe? It's your money the kid's bettin' with.
Micky: It's plenty wise. We know what we're holding, and we know what you're holding.

Newsagent 2(Gene): [Chuckles] The fuck you know what we all got.
Micky: Summer job delivering Argos catalogues say’s I know what you're holding.
Newsagent 2(Gene): I don't bet with jobs like that. Let's just say I'll put you at the top of the list if you're right.
Micky: Okay. [Clears Throat] Well, you were looking for that third three,
but you forgot that the owner of News’n’Booze folded it on Fourth Street,
and now you're representing that you have it.
The 7-11 Owner. made his two pair, but he knows they're no good.
The bloke who runs WH Smiths was trying to squeeze out a diamond flush, but he came up short,
and Mr. Patel thinks where playing Razz and hopes his 8 high is going to win.
So, like I said, we bet 10p.
Newsagent 2(Gene): - Well, kiss my ass. - Kiss my ass.
[Group Laughs]
Newsagent 2(Gene): - What'd you have, Abe?
Newsagent 1(Abe): Nothin' but a busted straight.
Newsagent 2(Gene): Oh, come on. - It's good enough to win. Take it down.
All right, kid, your first assignment. Pull up a seat next to me.
Micky: Oh, I'd like to. I can't, I can't. I don't play cards.
Newsagent 2(Gene): Get outta here! - I like the kid, Abe. - Good kid.
Newsagent 1(Abe): Smart kid.

Part three here