Online Rounder’s Script Part 1

Online Rounder’s Script Part 1

[Man Narrating(Micky)] Listen, here's the thing.
If you can't spot the fish in your first half hour on the site,
then your not running tracking software, so you are the fish

Guys on forums will tell ya... they play for a living.
When there really playing micro stakes,
It’s like any other job, not that I’ve had one, I’m fourteen,
You don’t gamble, you chip dump and buy accounts,
Your goal is to win one big tournament a week, that's it.
Get your money in with any old shit, and pray that you hit
Don't fold anything. Ever.

[Logging onto a poker site]

This is Russ Hamilton’s place UltimateDebt,
You won’t find it in the Yellow pages,
Because it’s in Nicaragua,
Or some other 3rd world shit hole with no extradition treaty
But if you're looking for high stakes,
this is the only site on the web where you can still deposit from the US
Using your Dad’s master card with no ID verification

[Pointing at screen]

His avatar doesn't look like much, a chimpanzee smoking a cigar
but KGB77698_Balla has five million posts on 2 + 2.
He's the one guy in the online game you don't want to fuck with.

Msn chat box pops up

Knish_247 is an online legend.
He's been an online rounder, earning his living at cards...
since he was 18 years old, that’s nearly 2 years which makes him a veteran in the online game

[Typing on MSN]

(Knish_247) What are you doin, sitting 25/50?
(Rounder22789) Um, I'm reserving a seat for a Headz up 4 rollz game.
(Knish_247)- LOL Donkuargumanets. - [sends chuckle, emoticon]
'Cause I hope you're not thinking of putting more then 5% of your roll in play?
[Narrating] He's as close to a friend as there is on 2+2.
[Narrator] But tonight, I don't want to deal with him.

(Rounder22789) - I can beat the game. –
(Knish_247) Maybe. Maybe this is a game can be beat. But you know you can beat the Sit and Go’s on Ipoker
(Rounder22789) yeah but the software makes be vomit, and I want to shove all in everytime the little French guy with the beret makes a raise.
(Knish_247) Okay. I understand, back to battle.

[Starting to play online]

[Micky Narrating] The game in question is Unlimited Texas Holding Them.
And a game like this doesn't come together often outside of Full Tilt
The stakes attract live pro’s,
and they in turn attract the online sharks.
Unlimited Texas Holding Them. Is the GW Bush of poker, its very simple.
Each player is dealt two cards face down.
Five cards are then dealt face up across the middle.
These are community cards everyone can use to make the best five card hand.
The key to the game is playing the man, not the cards. Or being very lucky,
There's no other game in which fortunes can change so much from hand to hand.
A brilliant player can get a strong hand cracked, go on tilt...
and lose his mind along with every single chip in front of him.
This is why the World Series of Poker is decided over an Unlimited Texas Holding Them table.
Some people, pros even, won't play No-Limit.
They can't handle the swings.
But there are others, like Doyle Brunson,
who consider No-Limit the only pure game left.
Like Papa Smurf said..."I’m all-in Gargamel, And you can suck my blue balls."

[Micky Narrating] Here's the beauty of this game.

[Text appers in the chat box]

(KGB77698_Balla) Go ahead, Dick. Make your standard C-Bet.

[Micky Narrating] I just got top two pair on the flop,
and I want to keep him in the hand.
Against your average guy, I'd set a bear trap, hardly bet at all.
Let him walk into it. But KGB77698_Balla is too smart for that.
So, what I've got to do is over-bet the pot,
make it look like I'm trying to buy it.

[Micky Typing in the chat box]

(Rounder22789) I bet 192.63

[Micky Narrating] Then he plays back at me, and I get paid off.

(KGB77698_Balla) I call because I need the money to pay your mumma to suk my dick.

[Micky Narrating] My guess is KGB77698_Balla on a flush draw.

The sites software say’s in a robotic voice; Burn and turn.

[Micky Narrating] There's my money card, nine of hearts.
I got a full house.

Both Check

[Micky Narrating] Now I hope a spade falls and KGB77698_Balla makes his flush.
That way he'll bet strong, and I'll beat him with my nines full over aces.

(KGB77698_Balla) I'm going to bet... Bet... 674.67

Clicks on the Time button.

[Micky Narrating] I want him to think that I'm pondering a call,
but all I'm really thinking about is posting this hand on the interweb.

(Rounder22789) I'm gonna go all in, 'cause I think you’re a pussaaaaa.

KGB77698_Balla waits then requests time and then types in

(KGB77698_Balla) You been pw’ned beyatch!

[Micky Narrating] I know before the cards are even turned over.
Man, I lost all my money, my whole roll.

Black Belt Poker Grading and She Killed My Account!

First of all I will announce my position, Snoopy is one of my favourite people in poker. When I first covered a few live events he was incredibly generous with the time he proffered to help out a newbie with a ton of stupid questions, Including;

Me: Whose that bloke over there with the cowboy hat?
Snoops: That’s Doyle Brunson.
Me: Really, I thought he was black?
Snoops: No that’s Phil Ivey.
Me: Where? (looking around and then pointing) over there?
Snoops: No that’s Jennifer Tilly.
Me: Ohhh, cheers mate.

I thought he was treated so shabbily by Blonde and was happy he landed on his feet with black belt poker. Both Snoops and Jen (who is also very nice but I have spoken too much less) are very talented and I can see BBP becoming a genuinely terrific place to visit. Nik I’ve had a few laughs with table side when he was railing EPT London and Neil I’ve never spoken too, but he seems a very nice chap.

I was quick to sign up to the site and although it needs work looks like something that the poker community will really use. So all positive, until I started reading a lot of blogs of people I like and respect, It does appear to me that a lot of the grading techniques are flawed, what you learn from grading people at levels they won’t ever want to play or care about is beyond me but Steve Holden who experienced the whole process has done a much better job than I could ever at pointing out possible improvements here.

What I will comment on though (and I have on Steve’s blog) is that I believe announcing to the players who have worked hard for a solid month chasing there dream of sponsorship, which in the process has also lined your companies pockets with rake back, that they have failed over the radio is absolutely despicable. The personal touch is everything.

On the personal front I will be making an online deposit this week for only the second time in the last five years, started free rolling up last week after six months off from poker, I’d told the wife about the money and she went and blew the lot! She was very sheepish and admitted to a bit of a tilt session, I said I’d put some money online by way of compensation so any suggestions on good reload bonuses (I have accounts, everywhere!)let me know.

Wedding anniversary this weekend, lost brownie points earlier in the week when wife overheard me talking to a mate, “Yeah, well it’s the most important weekend of the year for me”, Queue wife looking over lovingly and thinking ‘His so romantic’, me continuing, “Yeah, the final weekend of the premier league season and the play off finals, I’m in heaven”. Queue evil looks and salad for dinner.

The in-laws came for the weekend and bought us a Wii for our anniversary, nice one! We did the whole coastal thing this weekend, Kilve for a picnic and rock pooling on Saturday, Ilfracombe for lunch on Sunday, and the beach at Sidmouth on Monday. Got to love living in the West Country.

I took the wife to a very nice restaurant on Saturday night called the willow tree, the nearest juicer was the pitcher and piano, most of the locals refer to it as the library as ‘quelle surprise’ the building once housed the towns library, it’s a magnificent building. On the outside it has a stunning red edifice with ornate carvings, tall stained glass windows and a wonderful little garden, on the inside it has a sweeping staircase and marvellous chandeliers and chequered floor tiles. Bit of a waste for a pitcher and piano really!

Something very strange must have happened in the 70’s to architects and town planners, the Taunton library being a prime example because they left this beautiful building to stand idle and dwindle to dereliction so they could move the library to a newly built brick monster that’s about the same size and 400 yards away, fucking idiots.

Anyway something of a local ‘joke’ when talking about somewhere to go for a pint is to use the phrase ‘a quiet night in at the library’, its so annoying and I hate this phrase as well, I mean how can you even have a quite night in at the library, do you actually live in a fucking library? Are you a librarian? If not then it makes no sense! On Saturday we went in for a pre-meal early evening drink and where both a little surprised when we walked in to find a queue at the bar as early evening it’s usually pretty dead.

Anyway we eventually get served and make our way to our usual seats. I spot a notice up on the wall for speed dating. So that’s why the place is so busy this early, the speed dating starts in half hours or so.

I can hear the large woman whose running the show telling everyone to line up and take there number badges. It occurs to me that everything in the modern world is done quickly now, speed dating leads, to speed weddings, quick kids and quickie divorces.

We are at the edge of the tables that are being used and to all intent and purpose we look like where involved in the speed dating. The first ‘Round’ of dates starts and I need a pee, I stand up and well what happened next isn’t my fault, I suffer from a rare and little known disease called “Jacobsen’s congener” this is where if something occurs to me to be funny then I have to follow through regardless of whether or not its actually funny or whether there will be serious consequences to my actions. Ohh, how I suffer.

Anyway as I get up from the table, I say at the top of my voice, “Would anyone mind swapping early? This bird’s just dropped her guts and I’m not having that!” The look the wife gave me!

A letter from the future

Found this on my doormat this morning its dated 2059, very strange.

Hello Dad,
It’s been five years now since your untimely passing, just how much you suffered during your final three weeks of life trapped within the walls of that abandoned, yet surprisingly still fully stocked beer and pornography warehouse we will never know.

I thought I would write you this letter as it was you who first instilled into me a great love of politics, only natural I suppose as you where a relatively young man during the golden age of politics, the early two thousands.

Time’s are bleak father, the future of our country looks far from assured and we enviously cast an eye across the Atlantic to the United States of America and see daily mass demonstrations by the people campaigning to see President Lyndsey Lohan, (she really did pull herself together) stay in office beyond her permitted two terms. Here in the UK we face a stark contrast and are left praying desperately for the end of the reign of our twin dictators, Ant and Dec, Oh why did we allow the bureaucrats turn our national elections into a phone vote!

You were so fortunate Father to experience the events following the great clean out of 2009, where every grubby little “expense fiddling” bastard was thrown out of politics and in the ensuing election the people finally found candidates that truly represent there ideal’s and morality.

How I remember the joy on your face following the night of the “Domestos” election’s as they later became known. As Independent candidates won elections across the country as the corrupt and the inept where swept from our political system.

I remember so clearly your joy over the coming years as the independents made there mark right across our political landscape. Really who would have thought having a semi-retired school teacher who had spent 40 years in the education system and knew it warts and all, as the minister for education would have lead to the finest years of educational governance in our nation’s history.

And indeed that having in place ministers that actually understood the concepts of sound financial management and had fiduciary competences and capabilities that stretched beyond the ability to ‘flip’ homes every six week’s and charge the public for refurbishments, whilst then selling the new fixtures and fittings on E-bay that this would lead to economic recovery from the worse down turn in eighty years.

I write this letter Father, sat at my IKEA desk which I fondly remember you brought for me as a house warming present for my first flat, it really has stood the test of time. The television keeping me company as my husband and children sleep upstairs, A sense of shame for how the following generations have allowed the political systems to degenerate from there hay day engulfs me as BBC93449 closes for the evening,(We literally now have more channels than there are people to watch them all, yet amazingly there’s still nothing good ever on) and I flinch as our recently instated national anthem, ‘Let’s get ready to rumble’ blares from the TV speakers and the images of our ‘beloved’ leaders looking dignified and magisterial flashes into view, and something surprising occurs to me, after all these years I still don’t know which ones Ant and which ones Dec.

Your Loving Daughter

Rebecca Susan Stevens

It’s weird to think that at some point the idea was to have people represent us who we knew where competent, we liked and trusted. We probable never had this and maybe never will but just imagine our governments being run by people who knew what they where doing and who are not solely motivated by self interest and self promotion, maybe I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

Pokerin again and Supermarkets

Pulled a muscle in my back and was signed off work for a week, couldn’t really move much so thought I would see how much I could free roll up in six days.

******bad beat story please skip to the next paragraph. Managed to place 13/6987 for one dollar J on party poker, had 3.5 million chips when I played a hand against the only guy who barely had me covered. I raised 250, 000 with AK (with ace hearts) from UTG and get called by matey boy with KQ, he bets 250,000K on an all low heart flop and I move all-in for another 3 million or so. He dwells up for an age and then call’s with KQ, now pair and no heart. Bang a non heart queen hits on the turn LOL.********

In one week I managed to free roll up, $42 on all I-poker sites, $40 on poker stars and $17 on Party. It was fun, I love the challenge of turning nothing into something.

I hate supermarkets #1

I used to get chucked out of Bars, Clubs and Casinos for behaving badly, Now its tea room’s and supermarkets. I guess that’s middle age for you, I’ve been chucked out of both Sainsbury and Tesco’s in the past few weeks, I’ll start with Oliver’s lot.

Whilst doing the weekly shop where we had collected over £100 worth of items which where now being steadily run through the till I had the temerity to request a carrier bag, “No, we don’t give them out anymore” replied the checkout assistant giving me the sort of look she would usually only reserve for Gary Glitter or Ashley Cole.

I incredulously reply, “Excuse me? How am I supposed to carry my shopping home” I look across at Karen who visibly begins to shrink as she senses the imminent creation of a scene by her erratic husband. “Maybe, you have mistaken me for the six armed Indian deity Vishnu” I reply politely “or perhaps some form of pelican that can carry vast amounts of food in the pouch under my bill?” the checkout girls presses a button and a light above her head flashes to life, “Surely that’s the only reason to deny me a rather simple request to provide a few poorly constructed bags of polyurethane which in all likely hood will split and distribute you overpriced food all over my fucking drive anyway?”

“Its up to the manager, I’m not allowed to give them out” replies the checkout assistant. Eventually the manager turn’s up, she’s a hard faced middle aged bitch and I know there is little chance this will be resolved amicably. A long row ensues, with the current shitty state of the environment being laid squarely at my feet and my requirement for a couple of bags to get my shreddies home and me pointing out that her employers are a bunch of money grabbing c*nts who will screw every fucking penny they can out of the environment to keep some smarmy chef c*nt in hair gel.

I’m pretty sure I won on points, either way we ended being asked to leave and decided in future to do our shopping online, to be honest it only costs a fiver and I’m pretty sure most of us would be happy to pay this amount to get out of this regular torturous trip.

So one week latter we order from the same supermarket but do it all online, this time the shopping turn’s up carried to our door in a big crate by some bloke, this crate contains all our items, nearly every one in its own individual carrier bag. Fucking hypocrites, Mr Oliver you can stick your supermarket up your arse.

I hate supermarkets #2

Not sure I should post this, as it just show’s me up to be a real tosser, but you can’t fight the truth I suppose. I’m rushing to work and decide to pop into Tesco’s on the way to pick up a prawn salad (I’m on a health thing, well I was for a about two days).

I’m at the display for the lunch stuff and the salad’s are all stacked up nicely and there’s a shelf stacker in his mid thirties busy at work. I pick up the first salad for the top of the pile and I’m about to grab a drink and head off and I notice all the lettuce is brown around the edges. I look at the date and its today’s, so I start to look for a fresh one and there all at the back. I grab one and knock all the others over, to I pile them back a bit haphazardly and just as I’m heading off the shelf stacker angrily say’s “that’s not very good is it?” I reply “Sorry I can’t be arsed, you shouldn’t stick all the good ones at the back you twat” He then call’s over some bloke in a jacket (I think this means his important in the supermarket world. Must be a status symbol as the bitch the week before at Sainsbury’s also had a jacket).

The bloke say’s, “Shaun what’s the problem”. Shaun replies, “This man insulted me” which of course is true, I did call him a twat. I thought about starting a barny about there policy of trying to fuck all there customers into buying the shit that won’t last ten minutes by stacking and restacking at the front but then just looked at Shaun and said, “Your at least thirty mate, why don’t you get a proper job you little twat” flung down my salad and walked out.

Still alive...

Been very busy, just finished leading a project at work that involved managing a very large team. I always have to be careful as some guys from work read by blog, but it feels weird I've been really enjoying the challenge of my job of late.

Poker Front I have played two tournaments in two months! Came 3/500 when my AK got done by A5 for all the monies and 90/2000+ when I could'nt fold 10's to obvious aces pre flop.

I life we are under offer for our flat in Essex, for a truelly abysmal price but its got to the point we just want out. You would'nt believe the misery that place has caused.

I've also been asked to leave both Tesco's and Sainsburys in the past month, this must be some kind of record, especially as neither incident involved the inbiding of alcohol. If you press me I might tell you.......