Reflection, Confusion, Addiction and Withdrawal

I have always maintained that I don’t have a gambling problem, I play poker because;

1.) I very much enjoy the mental stimulation
2.) I’m good at the game and have always made money.

I have always got quite angry when people have insinuated that I’m addicted to gambling and found there perceptions of poker wildly skewed by media misrepresentation. But although both of the above are true, they don’t really answer the question, do I have a gambling problem?

Reflection

A few months ago my wife disclosed her general displeasure at the amount of time I spent playing online. This was a bit of an eye opener because as my wife also enjoyed playing online poker, I had thought this kind of excused me to spend as much time as I liked sat hunched in front of the computer and on reflection I have been guilty of abusing my wife’s patience and generosity.

So I resolved to play a lot less frequently but play at higher stakes than my usual levels, the plan being to go on a bit of a spin up. Now at the time I would have said I was doing this to prove to myself I can play at higher stakes and could continue to play with the same return but with less time spent, this might even have been what I genuinely believed at the time, but upon reflection I think my true motivation is clear.

I was clearly trying to silence my own conscience and my wife, I guess somewhere deep down in my psyche I had hatched the plan, run up a few K, cash it out and continue playing, in essence saying ‘look shut up and take the money’ to my own conscience and to my wife. And things pretty much went to plan, I hit some wins made some withdrawals and continued to play.

Confusion

I could have carried on isolating myself playing online poker with my wife becoming increasingly frustrated but something deep down wouldn’t let me. For the first time I felt genuinely uncomfortable about the amount of time I had been devoting to the game and the price it was exacting from my family. In essence I just didn’t fell right anymore sitting down and playing all evening, the excuses I had always used where that living in Birmingham isolated me from my friends in Essex and as a result I never had much chance to go out like other blokes for a bit of me time in the pub or on the golf course.

Well in Taunton I live close to one of my best friends and we still don’t go out much together, that’s just what happens when you have family isn’t it? I know both men and women like a bit of me time but sitting in the same room with your family and not engaging with them because your engrossed in poker, well that’s a bit sick to be honest.

I carried on for a while playing at higher stakes but I noticed I started doing something I never done before, I abandoned all bankroll management and started taking shots. I was playing above my bankroll and I think I said it at the time I didn’t care about going broke, looking back I think it was clear I actually wanted to go broke. I wanted out, I felt sick of what the game was taking from me and I felt sick of the frustration and the way the game made me feel, I had stopped enjoying the game and I just wanted out.

So I went broke, playing high stakes sit and go’s and I genuinely felt relieved, I told my wife I was broke and that I was giving up. She was overjoyed but then full tilt put some money back. I started playing again and didn’t tell my wife, I quickly spun up back to where I was before (I told you I was good!) and then decided to tell my wife.

Addiction

I told Karen about the money and we agreed it would be our little secret, We discussed the situation and agreed I would continue to play but only when wife and daughter where out of the way. This seemed to be working for a while but then something strange started to happen. I started to resent my wife and daughter; I wanted them out of the way so I could play poker.

This came as a bit of a shock to me and I felt quite ashamed and found that when I was playing poker it started to feel like self harm. A stereo typical view of an addicted poker player would be someone terribly indebt borrowing money to play and destroying his life. I don’t fit this role, I’m the new addict, I’m good at the game winning money but destroying his life by his inability to focus on what truly matters , many times staying up all night playing when my wife and daughter where asleep.

Withdrawal

I’m a true addict in every sense of the word and eventually the world will catch up with this but for now I don’t fit the current definitions, pretty sure there’s going to be a lot of us soon.

I hate these posts, the melodramatic, “I’m giving up the game forever!” look at me time things you see on forums everywhere and I have always thought I’ll never do that if I decide to give up. They always seemed to do the exact opposite of there intention, as friends try to convince them stay on as a non poker poster, that’s just never going to work now is it.

So the reason for this post is because I want my mates to know why I disappeared from the scene and didn’t come back. I know they will understand and not hassle me because there smart sensible people and know where I’m at and where I need to be. If I can just find something to fill the mental void poker will leave I’m sure I’m going to be fine.